Another journal entry from time in the desert.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Oh how I long for the days when I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off screaming "there's so much to do and so little time" Now I have an abundance of time, and nothing to occupy it. I could read, but the library here holds nothing of value really, I've read most of it. I could work out, but I really don't aspire to be a body builder, and I cant imagine being any thinner and still looking good. So, I think..and I think...and I think until even I have run out of thought provoking thoughts. My mind is filled with useless thoughts, such as What the hell am I doing here? How the hell, did my neo-hippie ass get to Kuwait, not fighting but definitely supporting a war. Did any hippies actually go to Vietnam? I'm just wondering. I mean, I despise violence, completely. I hate it. But for some ungodly reason, i am here. i tote an M16 to work with me. I used to make wreaths out of flowers and wear them in my hair, give worship to nature, the most beautiful of all beauties. Now, I pull on my camouflage (which doesn't match anything on god's earth...trust me. Who the hell are we hiding from? a blind man?) and go to work (gun included) in a port that is so polluted half of us walk around with rags on our faces to keep from inhaling to dust and what not in the air. I swear, I saw a dead cat floating in the water. That almost made me cry. Cats are not gonna jump off of a fucking pier. It ain't gonna happen, so somebody threw the cat in, and it was floating halfway under the ship. It was horrible. Why do people do that? I guess I can't expect them to love each other if we can't even love simple, innocent animals. I mean, these cats don't do anything except eat what we throw out, essentially they are helping the environment. They even shit in a litter box type pan. Don't ask how they got trained to do that. And they stay away from us, so why kill one? They don't bother anybody. People suck. I hate what I am sometimes because I am human. I don't want to be perfect, I just want to be able to exist in a world where people get along with each other, we don't pick on one another because of differences and weaknesses. I mean, not everybody is thin, not everybody is beautiful, and not everybody is smart. Why can't we just accept that and get on with our day. Instead we turn against the ones that need help, need compassion, need understanding, and most importantly need friends. I know I am not ugly or stupid, but I suffer some serious issues because when I left my home in VA, some people just started fucking with me right away because I was different. I was quiet, from the city and just tried to keep to myself, but a certain group of assholes harassed me pretty much the rest of the time I was at that school. I guess in the later years I could have forgiven them, but I still begrudge them and any people I run across that are like them here, even though now I am never a target. At least I hold one thing above them. Most of the assholes I dealt with are still living in that god forsaken town and doing the same damn shit, still buying weed off the same damn people. Nothing in their lives will change. They have reached a stalemate which they will never breach. I however, have moved on, and am out in the world doing many different things, having experiences they'll never have, seeing different countries. In a way I have them to thank. Thanks to them I knew that my place in this world was not in that piss poor town. They made that clear. I knew I had to leave, get the fuck out. And I did, first opportunity. Those few friends that I did make, don't miss me now that I'm gone. They know how to reach me if they wanted, they don't even bother to try to see me when I come home. I always call, we make plans, they blow me off. Nothing new, its the same as high school I suppose. I have one person in that town, other than my family who still cares. Well, maybe two. Do my supposed friends even care that I may die out here? I doubt it. They probably don't even realize what the fuck I'm doing here, if they even know I'm here. I'm out now. I think I hate everybody sometimes. I need something more to occupy my time. I just THINK way to much about shit that hurts to think about and then I hate. Maybe I need to hate. Maybe the day will come when I have to raise my gun against another fellow human, and I will have the hate inside of me to make me able to pull the trigger. Hate is such an awful feeling though. It makes your chest feel heavy. Well, Good night, god bless, and LOVE THY NEIGHBOR